


When do you sleep

by Ermine_Writer



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Boyfs sharing emotions, Comfort, Could be boyf riends or just friends, Emotions, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Post-Squip, Self-Harm, squip is gone but intrusive thoughts, they're friends - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-03 01:14:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19453339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ermine_Writer/pseuds/Ermine_Writer
Summary: *Title might change*Trigger warnings: intrusive thoughts regarding suicide and self-harm and self hatred, also actual self-harm.Post-Squip Michael and Jeremy still need each other. Even if they're not sure how to do that anymore.(Kinda realistic post-abandonment friend reconciliation but not true for every case.)





	When do you sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer, I've memorized the OCR and OBR but I have yet to see or read the source material because no money. If anything contradicts canon too much just suspend disbelief and call it headcanon.  
> Also heed the trigger warnings please, stay safe.

“When do you _sleep_?” Jeremy stifled a laugh and shifted slightly on his beanbag to lay upside down. Michael snorted.

“I don’t. Pass me my coffee, would you?” Playing one handed for a moment, Michael reached to accept his caffeinated beverage. For a split-second Jeremy considered denying him, considered cutting off Michael’s caffeine source and finding out if he truly needed sleep the way other humans do or if he had evolved even beyond Batman and Jughead and could exist off caffeine and video games. The thought was gone as quickly as it had come and Jeremy rolled halfway in order to pass the Mario Toad mug to the taller gamer without completely sitting up.

“Maybe you’d sleep with less caffeine and blue light exposure,” Jeremy said off-handedly. He was upside down again but didn’t miss the rather dirty look Michael shot him over the rim of the mug. “What? I listen to you.”

“Sometimes,” Michael muttered. Jeremy wanted to laugh but something akin to a shock traveled down his spine making him twitch. “ _You ignored your best friend for kids that hate you,_ ” something pointed out. Jeremy coughed and forced a laugh to cover it up but the way Michael had shifted away and was less aggressively pressing buttons on his controller suggested he’d seen it. “Ha, but I never hear you if I’m in the middle of a song,” Michael said, an apologetic lilt to his voice as they continued playing.

Jeremy bit his lip and tried to discreetly look at Michael. Fortunately, the taller boy was slightly in front of Jeremy so glancing at him didn’t look super suspicious. The bags under Michael’s eyes were getting darker, he had this weird slouch that Jeremy recognized as his “post-exam week” slouch and it looked like he had been living in his jacket for weeks. In short, his best friend was exhausted.

Before Jeremy could concoct a less than awkward way of asking when exactly the last time Michael had intentionally slept or how many hours in a row the other teen had had recently, his phone rang. The game was paused.

“Okay, so, uh, bye,” he said. Getting up and waving and feeling more awkward than he used to around Christine, Jeremy made his way to the door. “And, uh, if you ever wanna talk, I _will_ listen,” he said and ascended the stairs. He heard a reply but his heart was beating too fast in his chest to really make it out and soon his feet were carrying him home. 

Even with the squip disabled, months of beating himself up had left an impression. He pulled his jacket sleeves down and fiddled with the pull strings before adjusting his backpack. “ _You’re fidgeting like a dog with fleas.”_ He shoved his hands in his pocket, biting his lip and breathing to calm his heartbeat. Counting to ten and back, then doing it by 2s, then counting backwards from 150 by 3s. He got to 88 which didn’t quite feel correct but he was stepping onto his porch and sighed heavily, releasing the tension from his shoulders and stepping through the door.

“Hey Dad,” he said and headed straight for his room. A muffled reply and he closed his door, sinking to the ground against it. Hanging out with Michael was still one of his favorite things and some deep part of his mind recognized that and made him happy whenever he did. But the _much_ louder and less deep part of his brain had spent months ignoring the other boy, knew he was a link to Jeremy 1.0 and knew Jeremy didn’t deserve to be taken back as Michael’s best friend after everything he had done. Normally he could shut up the louder part when he was literally in Michael’s presence and even if it wasn’t as seamless and effortless as it used to be, something about being friends for the vast majority of their lives made all interactions a little intuitive.

As soon as he left though, the loud part got _really_ loud and all the doubt came back. There were also a few side effects from consenting to let the squip alter his perceptions. So far Jeremy hadn’t noticed it with anyone other than Michael but sometimes it was like the squip had literally deleted things from his brain. Like the time he had to pause to remember where the Mells kept the spare key or what Michael’s moms’ names were. It was scarier when he literally couldn’t remember things that he knew he knew, like Michael’s last birthday or his favorite video game or if Michael would want a Crystal Pepsi when Jeremy found one in a completely random store on the bottom shelf. Ultimately, he’d bought the soda due to it being the only one like it, and Michael had seemed a sad kind of happy to receive it.

He still knew random best friend things though, like the fact that Michael hated white grapes and sometimes ate celery sticks like potato chips and called it crunchy hydration. Jeremy took another deep breath, rested his head against the door and slowly exhaled. He couldn’t hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears anymore and he pressed off the floor. Standing in the middle of his room another twinge of fear snaked through him before he glanced at the clock, it was late enough to sleep. Relief flowed through him like AC in July, he didn’t have to fidget with aimless things killing time. He changed and climbed into bed.

\------

_Bzz **bzz**. Bzz **bzz**._

Jeremy rolled over groaning and glancing at his much too bright cell phone. The words were too blurry then gone. The call request ended much too soon. Something deep in his mind was on high alert. He pushed to his elbows scrubbing at one eye with his wrist, too tired and concerned to care if it was stupid to do.

_Player 1: Hel_ **1 min ago**

_Player 1: no_ **1 min ago**

_P1: Crap. Nothing*_ **now**

Jeremy’s stomach dropped to his knees. He was slamming the call button as he fought his sheets to free him from the bed. The rings just made his stomach sink further and further. Teenagers don’t do phone calls so it must be something serious. He pulled on some jeans, gave up finding a shirt and tossed on a jacket before grabbing his shoes and tip toeing downstairs. Finally, on the second call and standing on his porch closing the door and hoping no one noticed he hadn’t locked it, Michael picked up.

“H-h-hey. Um, a-are you okay?” Jeremy said. The other end was scuffling and sniffling. “M-Mich-chael?”

“Ya,” Michael croaked. Jeremy’s mouth went dry as he finished stuffing his feet into his shoes and took off in the direction of Michael’s house. “J-Jere?” The deep part of his brain was very concerned and loud at the moment pushing him to run down the street at god-knows o’clock.

“Ya. Ya! I’m, I’m on my way now.” Jeremy said. He didn’t want Michael to hang up. He ran through someone’s yard, the path to Michael’s house more muscle memory than something he _knew_. More noises from the other end of the line. “Do, um, do you want to stay on the line or…?”

“Ya,” another croak.

“Great. Okay so. I’m almost there. I’m passing that house with the really ugly hamster decal on the window right now.” Jeremy said. Something like a snort, a cough and a laugh erupted from the other end and Jeremy chuckled in response. Sprinting down the street he didn’t even care how uncool he looked. Jumping onto the Mell porch he grabbed the hide-a-key, shucked off his shoes and crept towards the basement. The line went dead and he tried to stay quiet so as not to awaken Michael’s moms.

The main part of the basement was deserted without so much as a blinking game system light. Whipping around with his heart jumping into his throat on top of his racing pulse from running, he sighed to see a sliver of light near the bathroom door. Opening it as carefully as he could because he barely knew what to expect and because he didn’t want to scare an already spooked Michael, Jeremy stepped forward. The bathroom light wasn’t on, just Michael’s phone opened to his texting app next to the crack in the door.

“Can I turn the light on?” Jeremy whispered. He could make out Michael’s general form sitting against the cabinets, legs extended towards the door. Michael hesitated turning away from Jeremy before nodding so Jeremy just took his phone out, turned on the flashlight and laid it light up on the counter. Despite its white light reflecting against the mirror, it seemed less harsh as Jeremy squatted next to Michael. “What happened?” He said as he noticed that Michael’s jacket was on the floor next to them rather than on. The deep thing that had been on edge since he woke up was screaming at him but he didn’t know what-

“I’m sorry.” Michael mumbled. His head was bowed and for the first time Jeremy finally caught a glimpse of his best friend’s wrists. He couldn’t swallow his gasp at all the scars and the actual bleeding ones. Michael flinched, tears on his face, but didn’t move away. _“He’s a weak link”_. Apologies fell from the bleeding boy’s lips and Jeremy swallowed the lump in his throat and mentally snarled at the voice, now was not the time.

He grabbed a washcloth and wet it before beginning to dab at the cuts. “You don’t have to apologize,” Jeremy said. Michael’s breaths were shaking, or maybe all of him was. “You’re amazing.”

“I shouldn’t have called you. I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t-“ Michael rambled.

“No. I’m glad you did,” Jeremy said with little room for argument. It was coming back to him now. The first time he’d seen the scars. The first time he had found Michael surrounded by his own blood. And what he’d said as he’d patched up his best friend: “I want you to call me. If you need me, I’ll come. Please.” It was like the first time all over as he dabbed the cuts then moved to grab their stash of medical supplies from the closet. As he shifted back to Michael’s side, he noticed the taller boy seemed to be crying harder. He set the stash down and scooted closer than he had since before the squip. “I’m going to put my hands on your shoulders,” Jeremy said. Michael kept crying but didn’t do anything to stop him so Jeremy set his hands on Michael’s shoulders and turned himself so they were facing each other. Once there, he had no idea what to do.

“I shouldn’t’ve called. I would’ve been fine. I know. I’m sorry. I shou-“ Michael was rambling again and looking away from Jeremy so the shorter boy did the only thing he could think of and squeezed Michael’s shoulders.

“I’m going to hug you.” He warned before leaning in and hugging the friend he’d abandoned. When he pulled back his jacket was a little wet and he felt tears pricking his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Michael. I ditched you and screwed us both up and I never should’ve taken the stupid thing and I’m sorry. We’ve been best friends since always and you didn’t and never could deserve that and I should’ve been here instead of off living a life that isn’t mine and I’m _so_ sorry,” Jeremy felt a wave of guilt overcome him as he rambled. Here Michael was bleeding onto the bathroom tile and Jeremy was stealing the attention with words just tumbling end over end out his mouth before _its_ voice could make him stop. “ _Everything about me makes me wanna die”_. A soft smile graced Michael’s face as he let his head rest on Jeremy’s chest rather than try to awkwardly pat him on the arm with bleeding wrists.

“It’s not fine,” Michael whispered and Jeremy felt something in him tear, “but we’re getting there.” Jeremy wanted to whip around and look Michael in the face but the other teen’s eyes were pressed into Jeremy’s shoulder. “We’ll get there,” he whispered again, and sat up so he could look Jeremy in the eye.

“It’s _not_ fine,” Jeremy paused to shakily exhale, “but we’ll get there, together.” Michael nodded. Jeremy felt a weight lift off his chest and sniffled before picking the medical supplies back up. He opened his mouth to speak.

“I don’t know the last time I slept more than two hours in a day,” Michael said. His head was resting against the cabinets. Jeremy shut his mouth and nodded encouragement but Michael was biting his lip and staring at one of the distorted ceiling shadows.

“I’ve been struggling too,” Jeremy whispered, a sliver of guilt crawling up his spine. It only made him feel so much worse. Once he could’ve told Michael anything, from the last time he thought about hopping out of the window of a car on the interstate to the latest thing he’d noticed about Christine. Now? Now he could hardly bear to admit what Michael already knew about him

“All day I’m too exhausted to do anything. All night my brain screams that I haven’t done anything,” Michael whispered as Jeremy placed the first bandage. He was staring at the ceiling again, spare tears occasionally sliding down his cheeks. Silence descended for a moment, Michael recovering from actually admitting something to anything other than a bathroom mirror since the squip and Jeremy processing. Both boys lamenting how much easier it used to be.

“Sometimes, I can still hear it,” Jeremy was gnawing his lip, voice below a whisper but Michael turned to look at him, wet eyes wide and eyebrows knit together. It was now or never. To fix a burned bridge you’ve gotta clear the ashes and lay a foundation. “Not, like, _it_ it. Just, like, stuff it used to say or would have said or just my own brain bullying me because why not, right?” Jeremy tried to laugh but it sounded pained and pathetic to his own ears. Michael nodded slowly. Jeremy shuffled over Michael’s legs to bandage his other arm.

“Guess we’re just a pair of screwed up losers,” Michael chuckled with a bit of humor, which was lost on Jeremy as he was looking at that word which had long ago been carved into Michael’s wrist. “I wish this were easy.”

“It’s no problem,” Jeremy said automatically. Michael shook his head facing the ceiling.

“No, not…. Not _this_ ,” he lifted the arm Jeremy was wrapping but not enough to disrupt him. “But _this_ ,” He used his free arm to gesture between the pair like a bad rom com. Jeremy had almost gnawed through his lip and nodded.

“Well, we… we didn’t start _here_ ,” Jeremy felt a grin split his lips as he fixed a bandage in place. “I mean, remember in fourth grade? The first time I told you that I’d been scared of Bowser as a kid?” Michael snorted and laughed, actually laughed. A few tears slid down and he wiped them with his free hand.

“Or - _ha-_ or in fifth grade when I told you that I was pretty sure I was gay and you said I should try singing _showtunes_ to test it,” Michael was laughing. Jeremy cringed and laughed. Maybe the squip had only taken the things that linked junior year Jeremy and Michael. It seemed like if he thought really hard he could remember moments.

“Or eighth grade when you caught me singing showtunes when you came over to spend the night and I told you that every time I walked by a pool I felt the urge to throw myself in, school books and all,” Jeremy didn’t know if they should be laughing but it felt good. Michael was chuckling.

“Sixth grade. You asked me why I would want to do things that would hurt and I asked why you liked people that hurt you. We promised to go to the same college so we could always pick each other up,” Michael was smiling but Jeremy felt a pang. “The first time we got stoned down here,” Michael giggled. “I’m pretty sure we spilled _all_ our secrets.” Jeremy felt a frown tug his lips. He couldn’t remember that. But it felt like he knew it once.

“After all that, feels like we shouldn’t even have secrets anymore.” “ _Everything about you is so terrible._ ” “But…” Michael’s arm slipped from Jeremy’s hand as the latter turned away from his once best friend that may as well be a stranger.

“ _But now_ it’s like being back at square one?” Michael said. Jeremy couldn’t even bring himself to look but nodded. “Well, more like square three or something,” Michael chuckled half-heartedly and scooted up a bit against the cabinets. “I mean, I already know that you’re scared of Bowser,” Michael nudged Jeremy and the shorter boy couldn’t fight the laugh that bubbled out of his throat. “And you know that sometimes I play my music way too loud so I can’t hear my own thoughts and so my moms won’t hear me screaming,” Michael sighed heavily but Jeremy still couldn’t look at him. “I mean, that puts us at, like, at least level 3 friends. Plus, an unlocked tragic backstory cutscene,” Michael said. His arms had been moving about like his happy persona was coming back but Jeremy winced which made Michael lower his arms again. “Sorry, poor word choice.”

“No. No. _I’m_ sorry. I-I-I never should’ve tak-k-ken that stupid squip. I should’ve just stuck to being a… a loser,” Jeremy bit his lip and finished tending Michael’s arm. Guilt had a strong grip on his stomach and he just wanted to go make food and play some easy video games like they used to do on nights like this. “ _As if Michael would want to go back to hanging out with you. You abandoned him. And like you said, you’re a loser._ ” He scooted next to Michael against the cabinets and pulled his knees to his chest.

“I always thought we were geeks,” Michael offered, bumping shoulders with Jeremy. Silence followed. Jeremy was hugging his knees and Michael was staring at the ceiling with his arms resting on his extended legs.

“How did I let this happen? This used to be so easy! I mean, you’d call me and I’d make you feel better or I’d call you and you’d help me but now? Now we’re both sitting on your bathroom floor crying while my phone slowly dies and I can’t even help you because I’d be a total hypocrite! I can’t say ‘don’t listen to every voice telling you to off yourself or slice your arm open’ when every time I cross the street, I think of waiting for a car! I stand at the top of stairs and have to tell myself to step down! Even,” Jeremy’s fists were pressed into his eyes but hot tears spilled out. He hiccupped and sniffled. The cabinets were rattling from how hard his shoulders were shaking. He couldn’t stop the words from pouring out. It felt like the deep part of his brain had sliced open a wound and his heart was gushing out. “ _Great. Now you’re crying like a loser. Are you going to braid his hair next?_ ” “Eve-… How- how can I say anything when I basically took a pill to personify my own thoughts that told me to kill myself _every **day**_!” Jeremy threw his arms out in front of him as the tears flowed uninhibited and his voice cracked like water over ice. He grabbed his hair and tasted blood.

“But you didn’t.”

“W-what?” Maybe the blood pounding in his ears was making him hear things. He turned. Michael was facing him but looking at the tile between them.

“You-You didn’t do it. You’re still here.” No, Jeremy had heard correctly. Michael hesitated before closing the distance so their sides were pressed together. “I don’t think I could _survive_ a physical version of my thoughts,” Michael said, gesturing with the bandages on his arms. “I mean, I’ve barely survived just my voice in my head, let alone anyone else’s.”

“Sure,” Jeremy barked a laugh, ”I survived. But I endangered the whole school,” he turned to Michael, “and you.” Michael shook his head and huffed.

“Stop saying that! Ya, what you did _sucked_ but we’re on the other side. Take it from _me,_ ” Michael gestured with clawed hands to himself before slowly looking down at the bandages. “Dwelling won’t change it. Saying you regret it won’t change it. Just-just,” it was Michael’s turn to grab his hair in frustration. He blew all his air out before turning to Jeremy. He blinked, dried tears staining his cheeks before hugging his best friend. “Let’s just start over. Try again. **_What_** _ever!”_ He pulled back but left his hands on Jeremy’s shoulders. “I just need a best friend again.” A few tears slid down his cheeks. “I need _you_ ,” he said.

Jeremy let out a shaky breath and set his hands on top of Michael’s. “I need you too.” Fresh tears slid down Jeremy’s face and he choked on his laugh, looking away and squeezing Michael’s hands.

“Come on,” Michael made to stand up, grabbing his jacket and offering a hand to Jeremy. “My name is Michael Mell. There’s a position available for my best friend. Interviews are ongoing, but only geeks need apply,” he said.

Jeremy smiled, took Michael’s hand and stood. “My name is Jeremy Heere. I could use a geeky best friend too, but I'm more of a loser.” He felt himself nod and the smile slip.

“Great,” Michael was smiling and Jeremy could vaguely see the real Michael in those eyes. The bespectacled boy shoved his arms into his jacket and nudged Jeremy, “I know this diner with really crazy menus that should still be open.” Jeremy laughed, a smile forming as he squeezed Michael’s hand.

“Perfect.”

**Author's Note:**

> Wow! That's longer than I intended. If you ever feel like this call a friend or read nice fluffy fics. Or comment and we can be friends and I will be an awkward anonymous shoulder. ( or go to my tumblr and we can talk: https://ermine-fanfic-writer.tumblr.com/)  
> If you liked that stay tuned because I have more BMC fics, post-squip and otherwise, planned.  
> Thanks for reading and have a good life 💗💗💗💗💗


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